Summer in a snowflake

Dearly beloved,

I guess that’s what they say, but sometimes we just mean the one. It pains me to have to tell you that after all these years I’ve finally decided to respond to the one post about us. Maybe its because I think you’re in a better place now and would probably react better, or maybe its because I believe you to be happier. Nevertheless, I hope these words find their way to you and they provide some closure to us. Your rosy coloured view of me was a joy to read, if only I could deserve them. I’m afraid I did not live up to how I was painted and instead feel that I’ve disappointed. To be honest, I felt that we were growing apart not together and that our goals had differed. You did like to wallow and I have always skipped along impatiently. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve cheated and strayed while we were still together, though that person is long gone and was definitely not what I needed. I have wanted to tell you this for so long, but the point of it just seemed to be my own selfishness and I don’t think you deserve that. I think you’ve spent too much time in self-pity and I felt silence would be my best response and defence. I think I have lied enough to ourselves in that time and further words would not suffice. I hope you have pulled yourself out of the trenches and have not shut yourself to the outside world as we were young and life has more meaning than just you and I. The reason I gave you for ending it justified the outcome for me as I was not happy with where I was and all I wanted to do was run. I’m sorry I was cold when you had travelled far but in my mind no maybes could be said, finality was the answer. I know this seems like excuses but it is closing a chapter in my mind that for so long I have wanted to reply to and put some sense into my actions for you. In my mind, I have lost a best friend. 

And so once again, dearly beloved thank you for your mark in my life.

Happy birthday, To Me

Hey you,

Its funny isn't it. Looking back on who you were and the experiences which have shaped you into you. I know its nostalgic and you want to curl up in a ball and return to how things were before, just remember what I'm telling you now. You're in a good place in your life and it's not something which you should take for granted.

Looking back is important but you know better than to regress, stop doing that. Don't unravel what has been painful lessons and don't take lightly what others have suffered for you to comprehend.

You're important and you matter, even if it sometimes feels like only God seems to know it.

Happiness is temporary so remember to find that lil bits in every lil thing you do. I know a lot of times you see past your own needs and there is a bigger purpose than just self-gratification.

At the same time, you are human so do remember to cut yourself some slack. It's funny to see how much you've grown and I'm proud of you. It's not everyday I say this but I think you'll like how your life pans out. I know I do thus far :)

It's a bit premature for reminiscence but everyone keeps saying that there's no time like the present. 5 years has passed and its been quite the chore, but in the current light everything seems crystal clear. When you're hard pressed for answers, remember to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

Remember the people you've let in, they're important and they matter. You're not allowed to let go of that.

I know the future seems a load to handle, and it is. And change sucks. Moving, working and lack of important company will all SUCK.

But deep down inside, we both know this to be true. You'll be fine and when we speak again in 5 years, you'll probably tell me that I won't regret it and it all turned out for the best. At least that's what I think of 5 years ago.

"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" 

Les Guêpes January 1849 Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr

"The more things change, the more they remain the same" 

PS, don't forget to take time to smell the flowers, my dear beloved.

Always, all ways..

“We’re eternal Nunc Stans soldiers. The eternal warriors…”
- From Cynic’s ‘Nunc Stans’

i had to leave cause the real world was calling me

i left my youth in pursuit of the truth and gained a world of dishonesty

Well I left my imagination there 

Now it’s only what I can touch see taste and hear 

With my natural senses I wish I could stretch the limits 

But my defenses keep me limited from the boundaries I set 

So I won’t get burned again 

Sure I’d like to be optimistic but that doesn’t line up well with reality

so leave behind your rose-coloured glasses..

because we all have our moments...

"It is playing safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity." 

~Dag Hammarskjold

"The task that we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity." ~Erich Fromm

On a side note, my conscience has been a factor to determining my actions. Personally, I think its been twisted and broken to a point of ugliness. Still, grace and impending judgement remains. And that is the truth, that I gave my life up long ago. It is for Your use. Is this a wonder bread?

And the Bible didn't mention us, not even once
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
 

So how am I strong, now that I'm weak

How can I have hope, when everything is so bleak

The Masochist

by ~violingirl1022

I cut off all ties, to see if I could survive;

I twisted off my limbs, but alas still soared up high;

I gouged out my silent eye, wondering if damnation would suffice;

I kept my soul on an island, locked up and guarded by rodents.